Change
by AbigailJane
Summary: meredith rambles on about how changing reveals the real you...if that makes sense? Tell me if it's any good. Cuz I have no idea if i should continue...merder later on
1. Who knew

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Grey's Anatomy nor the lyrics by hinder down at the bottom even though they fit Mer/Der perfectly you guys should really check them out.

I don't really now why I make my life so complicated. Maybe it's something that started when I was growing up?

Maybe it was reassurance, that change wasn't happening. I hate change. Change is bad. It makes you see through the nonexistent and into the present, even when you fight your hardest to stay hidden. Change reveals you.

So that day, the day Derek chose her over me. Revealed me. The true me, pathetic, and sobbing Meredith Grey.

I'm sitting here and thinking back to the day when I was happy. I can't remember it. I can't remember when I last smiled because I felt him laying here next to me. Or when he looked at me in the hallways of Seattle Grace. It kills me that I can't remember the feeling of happiness.

I should hate him. He's the one that took it all away. Though I really want to hate him I cant. It hurts me to think of him, but that's all that is ever on my mind.

"Meredith?" Izzie's voice startles me out of my thinking. "It's time to go, you ready?"

"Yeah give me one minute okay?" I yell.

When we arrive at the hospital I hear people whispering. Saying something along the lines of poor girl, or serves her right.

Then I see him.

Across the hallway. He walks towards me but Alex steps infront of him. When did he become a nice guy? I wonder. Giving him a weak smile I walk into the locker room to change. Today was going to be a long, long, day.

I walk out of the locker room with orders from Bailey to go prep the guy in 589. I try my hardest to avoid him but luck wasn't with me.

"Meredith can we talk?" He asked me cornering me against the stairwell.

"No." I said. Who does he think he is anyway. Dumping me, and then wanting to talk to me like he hadn't just stomped on my heart five million times. My heart was broken. No amount of alcohol could save me now.

_Honey why are you calling me so late _

_It's kinda hard to talk right now _

_Honey why are you crying is everything okay _

_I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud _

_Well, my girls in the next room _

_Sometimes I wish she was you _

_I guess we never really moved on _

_It's really good to hear your voice saying my name _

_It sounds so sweet _

_Coming from the lips of an angel _

_Hearing those words it makes me weak _

_And I never wanna say goodbye _

_But girl you make it hard to be faithful _

_With the lips of an angel _

_It's funny that you're calling me tonight _

_And yes I've dreamt of you too _

_And does he know you're talking to me _

_Will it start a fight _

_No I don't think she has a clue_


	2. Loving you

"Meredith please? I miss you. I..." Derek started to say something but I cut him off.

"Derek, you don't get it do you? I thought you loved me. So when you picked her, it hurt. I'm trying to get over you. Don't you understand when you talk to me it makes it hard. I can't be happy when you smile at me. I cant laugh when you talk to me. I can't breathe when you look at me like that!" I yelled at him and then pushed him away and ran upstairs.

"Meredith!" He called after her. Sighing he went to go find Dr. Bailey. He needed an intern, and he had a certain one in mind.

Once I got Ms. Brenna prepped and ready, I started to scrub in on the surgery. "Dr.Grey, how are you?" I jumped slightly at the sound of his voice. As luck would have it Ms. Brenna had a intracerebral hemorrhage. This causes bleeding into the brain and is caused by a rupture of blood vessels in the brain. Of course this surgery would call for a nuero specialist. "Dr.Sheppard, I believe how I am doing is none of your concern." I said and finished washing my hands. "Mere, of course it is, I care about you." Derek said the last part in about a whisper. He was staring at me with "our look." His blue eyes were piercing into my skin, seeing all of me. "Ms. Brenna is waiting." I whispered. His face was now inches next to mine. He sighed and nodded.

During the surgery I tried my hardest to concentrate on the procedure. It was hard though. I kept feeling his eyes on me. Once the surgery was over I sighed in relief. I took Ms. Brenna into recovery and sat down on a chair outside. Today was one of the longest days I have ever had.

"You look tired." Christina told me and sat down in an empty chair. "So do you." I pointed out to her.

"Yeah but I don't have a date tonight." Christina said. I was confused. "I don't have a date tonight." I told her.

"Yep, you do." Her face was lit up and instantly I was worried.

"What did you do?" I asked practically yelling.

"Mere calm down, it's just a date, don't kill me."

"With who?" I ask her and suddenly I am seriously afraid.

"The new intern, Roger Hault. You know the cute one, with blonde hair, green eyes, definitely mc. something. Izzie's already thinking up names." Christina stated.

"Crap, Christina, I don't want to go out with him! I don't even know him. Good grief did you pay him to go out with me?" I shouted at her.

"Wow Mere, what's wrong?" Derek asked coming up behind me.

Christina laughed so hard she choked on the chip she was eating. "Meredith got set up for a date and she got mad at me. So she was yelling and now I should go before she becomes the next double 0 7 and kills me. Christina rambled on and stumbled away laughing.

"You're going on a date?" Derek asked her angrily.

"Do I have a choice?" I answered back with a question.

"Yeah you do!" He shouted at me. He shouted. What right does he have to shout at me.

"You don't have a right to yell at me Derek!" I shouted back at him, my anger was raising.

"Meredith, I'm sorry, I really am, I just," He trailed off.

"You just what?" I asked him quietly.

"I don't want to see you with someone that isn't me." He took my hand and pulled me close to him. My face was inches from his and I could feel his breath against my neck. "Mere, I miss you so much." He whispered in my ear. It sent shivers down my spine. "Derek, you're..." Before I could say the word married his lips were crushing into mine. I have to stop this, he's married. I'm moving on. I can't do this anymore, I thought to myself.

Even with those thoughts, his taste was intoxicating. It made me crazy. I couldn't stop it, I wanted to but I couldn't. His hands found their way to the small of my back, my hands found their way to the curve of his neck. The kiss went on and I gasped for breath. He pulled me closer and his hands played with the hem of my shirt. "No. We can't Derek. Please don't make me your mistress." I told him in between the kisses. He pulled back slowly and then put his hands on my cheek. "I don't regret that Meredith, but I won't make you do anything you don't want to." He told me. I stared at him suddenly angry.

He was married and yet he kissed me. Then he had the audacity to talk to me as if I was the one that kissed him.

"Meredith, I think I'm..." He looked at me but I stopped him. "No, you can't do this to me anymore. Derek you're married and I have a date. So goodbye." I ran downstairs to the locker room before I burst out in tears. "Why do I have to love him so much?" I whispered to myself.

(okay help and review. PLEASE!)


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